cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
