There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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