why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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