I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
