No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
