i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
