If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
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