Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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