I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
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