I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
