It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
