I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
