Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Randomize
