things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
