so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Randomize
