Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
He shit in the fireplace
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