It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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