So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
