Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
