You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
