I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
We were destined to go to rehab together
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
