this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
