put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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