Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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