There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
