the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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