Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
