if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
