And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
