I'm so fucking centered right now
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
