Have you finally orgasmed yet?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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