i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
