i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
operation harelip BJ is a go
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
