Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
