Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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