Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Randomize
