Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Randomize
