Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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