I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
