Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
