Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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