when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
