dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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