You really coming over, don't trick.
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
