Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
