The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
