I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
