he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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