I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
My vagina just recognized that song.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
