i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
